July 13, 2024


Travel Finishes First

After Visiting 2022, Time-Traveling Noah Decides To Go Back And Sink The Ark

DALLAS, TX—A time-traveler from the year 2348 B.C. who called himself Noah was seen getting in a heated argument outside a gay bar at the ‘Drag Your Kids To Pride’ event. According to sources, he loudly declared he needed to go back in time and sink the ark.

“I have to go back; I helped save a remnant of humanity and—well, I’ve made a huge mistake,” said Noah as he stood in front of a neon “It’s Not Going To Lick Itself” sign and watched kids stuff dollar bills in drag queens’ underwear. “Humanity was a bad idea. I need to get back to my time and sink the ark and put an end to this.” 

Eyewitnesses described how the argument began over what the sign of the rainbow really means. However, things quickly grew heated over the scientific plausibility of the flood narrative in Genesis, and then became a shouting match over which movies get time travel right. 

“How could Rufus be from a futuristic golden age, inspired by Bill & Ted’s music, if he has to go back in time to make sure they pass their history class keeping the Wyld Stallyns from being broken up by Ted’s father? Rufus can not establish his own past,” Noah could be heard shouting angrily. “In time travel lingo, it’s a bootstrap paradox. Google it, man!” 

The argument took a turn for the worse when one persistent heckler from Kentucky kept trying to correct the time-traveler’s use of the word ‘boat’. “Come on Noah! Ship! It’s a ship!” he shouted.

“What makes you think I made the ark as a keeled vessel? Were you there?” shouted back Noah. “It’s a boat if I say it’s a boat, and the rainbow will always be a sign of God’s unchangeable promise! I will never let it come to this perversion!” the time traveler yelled before disappearing in a flash.

At publishing time, nerds were still debating whether the time-traveler would fit into Avengers: Endgame rules, which would simply create yet another parallel timeline where the ark didn’t survive the flood—or Terminator rules, where his actions, if successful, would make it so that their own timeline would cease to exist. Noah was seen taking dynamite back in time, promising all the nerds would find out shortly.

Babylon Bee subscriber Wesley Hoyle contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!

To celebrate Pride Month, Mattel has released its first-ever pregnant man doll: Pregnant Ken! You can have all sorts of fun with the clearly MALE Ken doll and his pregnant belly! Available wherever non-gender-specific toys are sold.

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